A Cracky Story
by sakimidare
Summary: Its a crazier school in a crazy world filled with the best of the craziest.Follow Gil and Ivan in their quest to salvage some of their sanity and hold on to it in a school where everyone's insane.  Pure and undaulterated crack. Or at least, attempts at it
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I have no idea where this came from o_o. Would you believe me when I say I wasn't high on anything when I wrote this?**

_**Probably not.**_

**Whatever. This is 99.99% pure and unadulterated crack.**

**Well, at least it was _meant _to be.*sigh* **

**Whatever. Anyway, if this hasn't scared you off(and you must be very brave then) I hope this will:**

**Warnings: Language, crappiness, homosexuality, OOCness(?), failed attempts at humour(or something akin to it)**

**First Day**

Gilbert Weillschimdt was in a particulary bad mood today. Which was a rare sight, because (according to his mother and classmates) he had a skin far too thick for anything to actually _affect_ him.

He was in a bad mood because he had been rejected from the football team. Again. He had been trying for it since he was in 3rd Grade. But his grades were too low or some sort of stuff he didn't care about.

Muttering under his breath about how the school team going to miss the awesome that was himself, he ran down the staircase – Gilbert never walked, he always ran – mostly because he always needed to be someplace five minutes before, before colliding with someone and rolling down the rest of the stairs.

His first thought was he'd gone to heaven, because the ground felt like clouds. Soft and fuzzy. Then he opened his eyes and realised he was actually lying on top of a polar bear cub that was lying on top of – something, definitely, since it was about five inches from the ground, but he couldn't see just what. So he did what anyone – anyone sane at any rate – in his place would _not_ have done.

He kicked the space under the cub. Hard,

"Owww!" 'Kay, a plus point. Ghosts didn't feel pain or yell. But even the yell was strangely faint. Hmmm...

Gilbert stared hard at the floor, before his eyes adjusted to the paleness of the person lying there. It was...

"_Alfred? What the Hell, man? Why are you carrying around a Polar Bear? Did you grow your hair? It seemed to be alright last time I met you. And I met you exactly 15 minutes ago in Algebra."_ were all things he tried to say at as expected, they came out like "Alfred?What..hair?Polar_.._Algebra?"

Needless to say, the boy didn't understand. But he tried to be friendly all the same. "I'm Matthew." He said, getting up from the floor when it became clear that Gilbert wasn't going to extend his hand and pull him up. _"Would you like to take a picture?"_ was what he started to say, but somehow, passing through his throat, the sentence miraculously became "I'm so sorry."

"Hah..its 'kay," Gilbert said absent-mindedly, still staring at him "Do you know Alfred?"

"A-Al's my t-twin.."

"Of course that's IT!" Gilbert said, doing a weird kind of whoop in the air – the kind which had made Elizaveta dub him a goof and break up with him, just before the bell rang.

"Ah..a-are you a-a-alright?" Matthew asked. But he might as well have spared himself the trouble, because Gilbert was already half-way down the Hall.

"I guess he i-is, then." he muttered to himself, clutching his stuffed polar bear to his chest, before realisation hit him.

"A-ah! That was m-my bell too!

"Gilbert!"

"_Mon ami!"_

"Gilbert, _amigo_."

"_OW_!" The very well-aimed – more than necessary in fact – kick to the shin made Gilbert, who had been peacefully snoozing in his seat, fall straight down from his chair.

"_Mein_ _Gott_!What the _**HELL**_, guys?"

It took him 65 seconds to shake the sleep off completely.

And another 15 to realise that the whole class – Teacher and Elizaveta and her new boyfriend Roderich included – were staring at him.

And another 45 to have his ass kicked out by the Teacher, along with Antonio and Francis, for 'disrupting the class'.

"Wow." Gilbert muttered.

"She was asking you something." Francis muttered back, though not looking very fazed. This was, after all, normal for them, The Bad Touch Trio.

"Thank God Lovi wasn't there." Antonio muttered. Both Francis and Gilbert looked over at him.

"What?" Francis.

"Lovi?" from Gilbert.

"You mean..the Vargas twins?"

"No," Antonio replied, "I mean the _elder_ Vargas twin."

"That's good, then." Gilbert visibly relaxed. " Because if you were hitting on the younger, West would've totally sicced our dogs on you."

"That's _good_?" Francis shrieked, making a few people turn towards them, before they went back to their respective businesses, muttering, "Oh, its Francis."

"That's _**GOOD**_?" Francis continued, striking melodramatic poses, his background morphing into one of impending doom from the usual roses and sparkles. "The elder Vargas twin is a _killer_! He probably has a pet dragon at home!"

"Really?" Gilbert raised his eyebrows.

"_Non_ _non_. Forget that. I mean he is probably _descended_ from a dragon!"

"I can hear you, fuckwad." a voice screamed from behind them.

"Point taken." Gilbert muttered almost inaudibly. Emphasis on _almost_.

**"And that too, _bastardo_!"**

**"****Ow**!" Gilbert flinched. Not at the language, but the volume.

"Such vulgar language..and must you shout when you're right behind my ea-"

"Shut up French Toast! I don't need to hear anything from shitheads like you. If I hear you talking about me again, I'll cut your.."

At this point, Gilbert clapped his hands around Francis' ears, who had turned pale and was shaking like a leaf in the wind. He would have liked to clap one around Antonio's too, but the worshipful expression on his face scared him off.

"..and use your remains to fertilise my tomatoes." Lovino finished his rant on exactly how he would use their body parts – Gilbert was impressed by his anatomical knowledge – and went on towards his friends.

"What..." Francis managed to whisper when Lovino had gone.

"..." Anotnio muttered something (cheesy) in Spanish.

"Who named him _Lovino_?" the ever-practical Gilbert asked.

"Is it just me or do you feel like dumping them into a trash can too?" Arthur whispered to him.

"Eh..Francis and Antonio?" Gilbert looked over at where the other two were engaged in a conversation about True Love and Lovino and Arthur. "Nah..I just feel like doing _this_." And he unceremoniously dumped his and Arthur's (well he _said_ he _wanted_ to dump them, right?) soda on Francis and Antonio.

**A/N: 'Kay, I dunno how the school system works in other countries, but in our country, people of one paricular Standard are divided into sections and the period timings are fixed, so one Bell goes for all sections. Not Standards, though.**

**Also, Gil and Mat are both in Xth Std, so that makes them 16. And I tried to go by the American schooling system(I hope) as much as I could but so far I only know what I can scrape together from books and ficcies, so maybe there are some mistakes. If someone would be kind enough as to fill me in, I'll be greatful.^^''**

**Oh, and yes, they are in America. 'Cos that seems to be the only country where any number of Hetalia characters could be fit(Multi-Ethnicity yay!). Of course, I _could_ place it in Canada(where?) but the only thing I know about it is that it looks freakin beautiful in the Fall, has lots of snow in the winter(and maple syrup?) and that I want to visit Canada someday. Oh, and the stupid Geographical things that would have no meaning here so I'll go with the U.S. Of A.**

**Also, Translations in order(like anyone needs them, but I will anyway.):**

**French:**

**_Mon_ _ami_: My friend**

_**Non:**_** No**

**Italian:**

_**Bastardo**_**: Bastard**

**Spanish:**

**_Amigo_: My Friend**

**German:**

**_Mein_ _Gott_: My God!**

**Again, I didn't have time to look up translations blah blah. I know the German and Spanish is correct since I know them, but if there was some mistake in the Italian or French, please tell me so I can correct them(I picked up loose phrases from places) and I will give you free cookies – fairy and unicorn flavoured.(just don't tell Arthur) **


	2. Stage Two

**Stage Two**

It wasn't that Gilbert couldn't work hard. No. He certainly worked hard to avoid classes and duties and chores. He was a diligent slacker. So, on the days that the house chores fell on him, he rose early and went over to Antonio's and Francis' place. Yep, Antonio and Francis had a place of their own. Technically it was Francis', but they shared the bills and all. Since Antonio was an orphan and Francis' parents were back in France, so they owned themselves. And Gilbert was insanely jealous of the fact and took it upon himself to crash in whenever possible.

But today it was too early to crash in on them. Gilbert's watch said it was 5 a.m. But he wasn't sure since his watch was probably malfunctioning from the other day, when Francis and Antonio had dumped their sodas on him. It was their fault for saying sickeningly cheesy things, but they had refused to see it from his viewpoint. How unfair.

So he decided to take a walk instead.

But as mentioned before, he never walked but ran. So rounding a corner he crashed into someone again.

"See where you are going will ya!" the person screamed back. Yes, definitely not Matthew.

"Hey, Al." Gilbert said, picking himself up and dusting his shirt. "Hey, you have a twin?"

"Oh, yeah." Alfred said, completely disregarding the fact that he was currently sitting on the ground and that the question had nothing to do with their previous...er, conversation?

As was usual for Alfred.

"He's named Matthew, he's in the same grade, he.."

"Whoa whoa...Wait up man! I didn't ask for a whole damn fact file on him!" Gilbert said.

"Yeah..well...why were you asking for him anyway? He doesn't have many friends..and you are not his type. Now that I think about it.."

Alfred _thinking_? The World must be coming to an end.

"..how would you even know him 'cos he's so invisible if you know what I mean.."

He did. Gilbert would never forget the fri - heck, _no_!- the ...er..._strangeness _he experienced when he saw that bear floating in apparently thin air.

"..and he stays inside himself.."

'Kay...that sounded plain wrong. Gilbert decided to stop Alfred before he started turning Gilbet o- _disgusting_ him, he meant. That was it. Disgusting him to his awesome pit of his awesome and toned and six-packed stomach.

Was that even a word?

Heh...he was so awesome everything he said was a word.

Gilbert brought himself back to earth, disengaging himself from his fantasies of awesomeness(no that is NOT what it sounds like!) to shut Alfred UP.

"I ran into him." _Literally_.

Or at least _try _to.

"You're not hitting on him are you?"

Because no one - or nothing, for that matter - had ever succeeded in shutting Alfred up.

"I said I ran into him yesterday!" And rolled down the staircase with him, too.

Alfred, as usual, completely ignored Gilbert and went on, " - because if you are, then I'll..."

Gilbert had no intention of listening to another anatomical rant like Lovino's, and there probably wasn't any hope that Alfred, off on one of his tangents, would listen to whatever he had to say, so he simply waved and took off. When he turned back, Alfred was still going on about some Brain-washing Communist Machine. Come to think of it, Gilbert couldn't make any connection between Matthew and that for his life, but he knew better than to ask Alfred, so he turned back ahead and kept going.

And promptly crashed into a tree.

"Ach. How'd you get here?" he asked the tree, frustrated at his magnetic attraction to anything crashable.

* * *

"I'm tired of waiting aru~" Ivan was supposed to have been there five hours ago!

'Kay then, maybe he was exaggerating just a _bit_. Fifteen minutes ago, but what did that matter? What mattered was that Yao was tired of waiting, and when he was tired and annoyed, bad things happened. Like a certain Ivan Braginski had to be admitted into hospital due to a basketball injury. Kiku Honda's latest manga books disappeared. Elizabeta's Yaoi Doujinshies were torn into pieces. Or Im Yong Soo did not get dumplings when he came over.

Small things, but bad things nevertheless.

And if someone didn't agree, Yao 'practised' his Shaolin moves. So, naturally, everyone agreed.

* * *

Ivan knew he was supposed to go somewhere. But he couldn't remember where. All he could remember was a sunflower field and lots of vodka. Somehow, he wasn't allowed to drink since he was a minor, but he had sneaked out some Vodka once from his dad and it was his heaven.

Oh, and that particular occasion had been last night, and 'some' actually referred to five or so bottles.

Ivan was badly hung-over. Fortunately, all his hang-over included was feeling incredibly sleepy.

And unfortuantely, he was supposed to meet Yao and the others. Which meant that _this_ hang-over, at least, was going to cost him. Probably his leg..

* * *

Kiku, Meimei and Elizabeta looked worriedly at Yao, who was emitting an evil aura.

Well, as evil as someone with Hello Kitty hairclips and a smiling Hello Kitty t-shirt could emit. Which wasn't much.

But they all knew the kind of bad things that happened when Yao was angry.

And cowered.

"I shall pray for the peace of Ivan's soul." Kiku muttered under his breath.

"Why would you do that aru?" Since when had Yao's hearing got so scarily sharp?

"..."

"Don't worry. I won't kill him aru."

...

"Just chop him into pieces and feed him to Kitty-chan."

"..."

Kiku decided it wouldn't be the best time to point out that Hello Kitty didn't incorporate six-feet-tall Russians into her daily diet.

**A/N: Thank y'all so much for the alerts and favs! I love those, but once in a while I want some reviews too, please? *stares with puppy eyes* ?**

**Oh, and...yes, the formatting sucked. 'Cos I typed this _after _uploading it on FF Net and not _before_. God knows why.**


	3. Day Three

**A/N: I'm sorry for not updating for so long..b-but, I can explain. Honestly!**

**See, it was Festival Week.. Dhanteras(busy shooping!),Diwali, Kali Puja(basically the same thing, but my family celebrates on both the days!) and Bhai Phonta(11 cousins inside Kolkata and God knows how many strewn outside! Thank heavens I don't have to do it to everyone of them!), On top of that, I gave myself a concussion by slipping on a ..wait till you hear this...coke can! and then hitting my head against the table hard. Too hard. By far,**

**And we have a history test tomorrow. And our Hist is..screwed up. That's all. I challenge anyone outside China, Japan and Russia to match our syllabus...'cos we have to read World History + Indian History. In detail. Which, btw, starts from Indus Valley Civ, though technically that's in Pakistan now.**

**I hate you all the stupid Kings and the Aryans and the Mughals and Arthur Kirkland! I have to read SO much rubbish 'cos of you!**

**Oh..finished ranting.**

**If you made it this far...

* * *

**

**Third Day**

"Alright now, Gilbert, you can do it!"

His awesome peptalk was failing in a most unawesome manner.

Why did Vash have to be so unapprochable?

His grren eyes, his smile, his..er, everything...beckoned to Gilbert like...like...er...something or the other.

He was far too awesome to be fishing - er, no- searching- no that didn't sound right- he was too awesomefor metaphors. That was it. Kesesesesese..

ANyway, back to what he was thinking. What was he thinking, now?

Hmm...

Was it about beer?

...

Nein...

Wurst?

Didn't think so..

His awesomeness?

Yep, awesomeness. Vash and his awesome self. That's what he was thinking about.

Kesesesese..too awesome to forget!

Anyway, as he was thinking..

..really, he must not let his Awesomeness distract him..

Ahem! So as he was thinking...

What was he thinking again?

YES! Vash beckoned to him like something he was too awesome to state..but..

there always was a but, wasn't there?

He had really liked Erzsbeta, but..

...but...

but..

But she was a girl!  
EW dude!

He was far too awesome for someone without any balls. Literally.

(Though, metaphorically speaking, she had far too much balls)

At this point, Gilbert had to shudder and remind himself that no one must know of his shameful secret of having been beaten up by Erzsbeta. Or the fact that he had to be hospitalised after.

In Vash's case, this but was the fact that Vash...

...well, rumours had it that Vash...

Who was he kidding? He had seen it too.

Vash owned a .45.

And brought it to school.

Which was Gilbert's only deterrent.

Beacuse he admitted that even though he was awesome, and Vash was awesome...

...guns might, just might, be a little bit more awesome than either of them...or even the two of them together.

**A/N: Review, pleasepleaseplease?**


	4. Day Four

**A/N: Oh God I don't even know why I'm uploading everything at the same time..just 'cos I won't be able to for a long time...**

**Day Four**

Once again, Ivan found himself in Yao's company.

Normally, it would have been a cause of great rejoicing - at least on Ivan's behalf, but...

...this wasn't normal. At all.

He had stood Yao up.

Stood Yao up.

Which meant that...

...well, lets just say that he wanted to avoid Yao for a long, long time. Preferably forever.

* * *

"Was that a scream? Is anyone hurt? Where did it..." Gunter(1) cut off Tino's rant with a montone "It's ...Yao."

"Oh."

"'nd th't's 'V'n r'ght n'w." contributed Berwald helpfully.

"Oh."

The silence was broken by Tino's laugh. "Say, isn't it a nice day?"

* * *

"What was that?" Toris paused.

"Just Yao and Borther at it again." his girlfriend and long-time crush, Natalya, impatiently tried to resume the kiss he had broken off in the middle of.

And succeeded.

Very well.

* * *

"OMG, like, what the hell, dude?" Felikssaid, pausing in the midst of reapplying his mascara for the hundredth time that day.

Scratch that. That hour.

"Ivan and Yao." replied Francis, not even bothering to look up from filing his nails.

Feliks briefly wondered how Francis could remember all the voices of the cute students. But only very briefly, because he totally has ADHD, and so he went back to applying his mascara with renewed gusto.

"I, like, totally see."

And he did.

* * *

It was such a nice day.

Ludwig was listening to (see: zoning out on) Feliciano, who was babbling about something that involved pasta.

(Since Ludwig was zoning out, he could only guess that it was something about pasta, because..what the heck? It is Feliciano we are talking about.)

Until two sharp screams rang out in quick succession, the second of pain, and the first...

.._strange_, thought Ludwig to himself,_ did that really sound like ...a War Cry?_

"What was THAT!" Erzsbeta screamed, materialising - strangely- from behind the bushes.

"Veeee~?" Really, Feli should be used to this by now. Thought Erzsbeta imaptiently.

"I presume that would be Ivan." Roderich said, dusting himself.

_Wait...what are they doing here?_ Ludwig gave the matter some idle consideration, then: _Whatever. To the Hell with it._ Ludwig started spacing out again.

What was he thinking?

_Ja_...

_...such a nice, perfectly normal day._

**A/N: 'Kay...please review and let me know if you liked that.**

**Also, someone pointed out to me that stories could be deleted for crack. I personally can't find anything like that in the RaG. If you know its true, please tell me.**

**Thanks for reading..review please?**


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